Graduation!

Students.  

For years (just shy of 7)  this word has been a part of who I am.  No, I have not technically been the student.  However, anyone who has been married to a student knows that it truly is a 'we' when you say 'we' are in school.  The spouse of a student doesn't actually attend the classes, but they do more than enough to make the use of 'we' ok.  

My whole marriage I have been a students wife.  I have spent many nights a week alone as my  husband attends classes and studies.  I have watched my poor, sweet husband come home completely exhausted from his day of work and then class only to help with the house and stay up late studying or finishing homework assignments.  I have witnessed countless acts of service on my families behalf to keep us afloat when we felt we were drowning.  I have spent more nights on my knees in prayer than I ever imagined I would in a life time.  

Tonight I get to watch my husband walk with his class at the University of Utah.  I get to see him in his cap and gown.  I get teary eyed even thinking about this moment.  It's been a long time coming!

The past few nights I have been explaining graduation to my kids.  It has been so neat to see how proud they are of their dad.  Not to mention the excitement they feel in knowing dad will now be able to come home after work.  It is doubtful I could be more proud of the example my husband has set for my children.  They have seen his hard work.  They know he has sacrificed much of his time for this dream.  Yet somehow they have never felt like their dad has been absent from their lives.  That is a true testament to KC and the kind of father that he is.  What lucky kids I have to be able to call him dad!

So now, almost 7 years, 3 1/2 kids, 2 bachelors, and 2 masters later KC will be graduating from the University of Utah. (Kind of anyway.... he technically has 2 months of classes left, but they don't do graduation during the summer.  Plus 2 months is nothing compared with everything we have had before.)

I'm so proud of you KC!  I am so blessed to be married to you and to be able to call you mine.  I truly am the luckiest!!

Break down

To start this story I need to take you on a quick trip.  This trip starts 7 years ago, almost to the day.

I had just begun working a new job at a group home for adults with disabilities.  My supervisor was a skinny guy with a full blown beard.  He was serious and not interested in small talk.  I didn't dislike him, but didn't like him either.  3 months later I started working the same position as him and needed some extra training and had loads of questions.  Such began our friendship.  We began dating shortly after and despite being in school and both working 45-60 hour weeks we quickly fell in love.  

Early November 2006 I married KC.  We both continued to work crazy hours and KC moved into an apartment I had been living in that semester.  A studio so small we couldn't even fit a real bed and had to have a futon we could fold up.  We washed our dishes in the kitchen sink, cooked on a hot plate, and grocery shopped nearly every day as we only had a mini fridge that could hardly hold anything.  After the semester ended we decided to move to Salt Lake to be nearer to family and so KC could attend the University of Utah.

Up to this point KC had attended 3 different schools and had even more majors.  So bless that mans heart when we got married he was basically just beginning his schooling.  He enrolled in school and got to work.  KC was still working for the company we worked for in Logan, he had just transfered areas.  I was working at a day care while finishing up my last few classes on line for graduation.  In January we became host parents to a 36 year old lady with disabilities whom we worked with at the group home in Logan.  Being host parents is similar to being foster parents.  She moved in with us and we became her care takers.  

KJ (the lady who lived with us) is kind of hard to explain.  She was a larger lady, weighing in at 280 when she moved in with us, who required that we locked our kitchen or she would eat anything she could get her hands on (before we got the kitchen locked she ate all of our flour cause she was hungry).  She was sweet as can be when she was in a good mood and had a very tender heart.  KJ loves money and was not above stealing it if she could.  She loves cross word puzzles and listening to music.  KJ picked and ate her scabs which left her legs covered with open wounds.  She would often get upset about something and even if you thought you had it figured out, in the middle of the night you would hear her pounding on the walls yelling profanity in anger.  She hardly slept which gave her all sorts of time to think about things and work herself up.  I loved her and still love her deeply.

While we were being host parents, both working 40 hour weeks, and going to school we found out we were expecting a baby the following November.  Much quicker than we had planned, but we were excited.  This meant we needed to re evaluate our plans.  Once we had a couple episodes of KJ trying to punch me in the stomach and threaten to kill our baby we decided we couldn't keep her in the house with a new baby.  The day before our one year anniversary KJ moved out.  Just over 2 weeks later our first, Jackson, was born.

I quit the day care and stayed home with Jackson for about 2 months when I began babysitting another little girl.  KC continued to work 40 hours at his one job as well as working for several months another part time job.  He was also a full time student.  After these months of working 2 jobs he was able to get a different job and we moved up to student housing at the U where he worked and attended school.  When Jackson was about 1 year old we figured out we just weren't quite making ends meet so I went and got my CNA and got a job at Primary Childrens Hospital working 3 12 hour night shifts a week.  This way I could still work, yet I could be home with Jackson and not have to pay for a sitter.  A month into working there we found out we were expecting baby number 2.  8 months (and a cracked pelvis) later Kambree was born.  

I felt blessed to be able to take 3 months off when we had Kambree.  It was nice to be home, though Kambree had reflux induced colic and I had a bit of the baby blues.  Those were some rough months for me, so I was grateful to not have to add work to that too.  Luckily Kambree became much more pleasant around 4 months which did amazing things for my baby blues.  5 months after returning to work I found out I was 2 1/2 months along with a sweet surprise that decided to come to us despite breast feeding and being on the mini pill.  I cut back to 2 nights a week and at the end of my pregnancy I was only working once a week.  I felt like a terrible mom because I was always so exhausted.  Being pregnant for 2 years straight and working nights doesn't not make for an energized mother.

While this was going on with me KC was working full time during the day and attending classes Monday-Thursday from 6-9pm.  He was also called to be the executive secretary at our church just before Kambree was born and then a counselor in the Bishopric just before Kaylee was born.  We rarely saw each other as KC had work and school all week and I would work Friday nights and try to get a little sleep on Saturday.  Sundays were full with church and church meetings.  During any spare time he had KC was trying to study.  He did amazing and was on the Deans list nearly every semester.  After graduating with a double bachelors KC did a Masters in Information Systems and then began his MBA Fall of 2011.

Summer of 2011 KC got a job with his current company.  In December we moved to Lehi into a cute little community.  I was glad to leave our apartments at the University of Utah.  I did miss the people, the closeness to KC's school, and the empathy and service we all had for each other as we were all experiencing similar things.  KC's current job made it so I could quit working nights and just stay home with the kids.  I am so grateful for that.

His new job also made it so on a good day he is home at 6:30pm.  He works as an assistant to someone so more often then not their needs come before ours as they pay the bills. He continues to have class multiple times a week. 

As for me, I love being able to stay home with my kids.  I would be lying if said I didn't miss the bit of adult interaction and the sense of accomplishment that work gave me.  Being home with the kids is where I want to be though.  This doesn't mean that there are many days, many times a day, I want to rip my hair out.  My kids are spunky, they are exhausting, they are needy.  Having a husband who works long hours and is still attending school means that I rarely get a break.  Me time doesn't exist anymore. We have also been trying for quite some time to add another child to our family with no luck.  (This has been frustrating, and probably good for me, as all I had to do before was wave at KC across the room and my belly would grow.)

Now we are in the present.  

Several weeks ago KC informed me of a trip his work was taking the employees on as a bonding time and an appreciation time.  At the time their plans were to have the employees show up at work, like it was just a normal day, and load them into buses, take them to the airport, and fly them to Disneyland for the day.  For whatever reason this was super upsetting to me.  I felt jealous. I felt frustrated for families who would be expecting their family member home at the normal time only to find out that wouldn't happen as they would not be arriving home until later that night. I felt under appreciated.  I felt sad.  I felt mad.  

I wish I could explain my feelings about this and have them make sense.  I think anyone who has ever just been overwhelmed and maybe had a bout of depression might understand that it is just too hard to put it all into words.  It was not about this Disneyland trip (they decided to let the employees know ahead of time so they could plan accordingly which is good, but I still find the idea of sending people to Disneyland without family weird.  Plus the only thing about Disneyland that KC finds the least bit enjoyable is family so it's not going to be the funnest appreciation day for him), but about every small frustration that I had been feeling for years.  I was feelings things that I didn't even realize had been frustrating or hurting me.  

I literally felt like I was going crazy.  One hour I would cry not stop, the next I would be mad as all get out, the next I would be jealous, the next I would be frustrated, the next I would be sad.  I could not get a hold on my feelings or what was going on.  (I wanted to give you a bit of my story so you could maybe understand a small bit of the things that might have added up to this.)  I tend to be more of an easy going person.  Even when I am pregnant I am not too crazy, so this was seriously weird.  

Yet sort of freeing.

KC and I discussed things we had never talked about before.  We got a better idea of where we were both coming from.  I had always tried to be strong and supportive as I know KC being gone so much is for our benefit in the end and I know this is only a phase in life.  Let's be honest, I still did my fair share of complaining, but I never really talked to KC about things I was feelings through all of this.  This melt down of sorts gave me a chance to do that.  I grew closer to my husband.

I also grew closer to my Father in Heaven.  I think I did more praying and studying during this then I have done during my whole marriage.  I am so thankful for a Father in Heaven who loves me.  I am thankful for people who act on promptings letting my Heavenly Father work through them.  So many times my prayers were answered through the hand of someone else.

I also got to know myself a little more.  I think it's so easy as parents to lose ourselves in our kids lives.  Especially if you are like me and rarely have a moment away from them.  It was nice to get to know myself a little bit again.

I am working on a lot of things.  One learns a lot about themselves when they completely lose it!  When I was dating I remember thinking that once I got married I wouldn't have a whole lot to worry about anymore.  I could have sex whenever I wanted which would take away my number 1 temptation so I didn't see what I could do wrong.  WOW!  Bless my poor little heart.  I have so much to work on and look forward to continuing to try to be a better person.

In college I used to listen to a song that stated, 'there's beauty in the breakdown...'

This holds more truth then I ever knew at that time.

We Believe

For years now I have struggled with finding balance in my life.  This is true in many different facets the life I lead: When is me time selfish and when it is important, when am I over scheduling my life and my kids life vs. adding new and exciting things, the list goes on and on.

Christmas is a time when my efforts for finding a balance seems to something I think of and ponder on more than ever.  There are so many things I want to do and see, yet I don't want to make our already hectic lives anymore crazy than needed.  Even more so is the challenge of finding a balance in this world of me and the true meaning of Christmas.  

The past few years I have had many friends who have come to the conclusion that they aren't going to have Santa in their homes.  For whatever reason their beliefs lead them to make this decision and I respect that for them and their families this is what they believe to be the right thing.  After several years I have come to a conclusion of what I believe in.

I believe in Santa.  I believe in the magic he brings to my home this time of year.  I believe in the smiles he brings to my children's faces.  I believe in the spirit of kindness and giving that he reminds us of.

I believe in the Elves who help all year to serve and help others and find joy in that.  I believe in making cookies, gingerbread houses and men, fudge, etc and the time I spend with my family doing so.  I believe in reindeer who help lead the way when it is dark.  

I believe in my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I believe He was born to this Earth all those those years ago in such humble of circumstances.  I believe He lead a perfect life and died for me.  I believe in the Wise men who had such great faith to follow that star to bring gifts to their King.  I believe in the Shepherds who listened to the angel and seeked after their Savior.  

I believe that it is possible to find a balance this time of year.  (I also believe I will probably die before I completely accomplish it.)  I believe that it is possible to have our Savior be the focus of our lives this time of year even if we are out seeing lights or watching a show about a Reindeer with a red nose (we did a really fun Family Home Evening activity on this one).  

(I also believe in letting others believe as they wish, and pray that they do the same!)  

Always running behind...

A few weeks ago I participated in an all women sprint triathlon.  This was my second year participating in this particulagr race.  I really, really enjoy being a part of this event.  I love the feeling that comes with accomplishing something surrounded by a group of amazing women who have all gone through similar, yet amazingly different struggles, yet have come out on top.

(Pre race)

I finished in just about the same time as I did last year.  I was a little bummed about that, but still felt ok about it all.

(Finish Line)

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) KC got there just after I had crossed the line so I didn't get any pictures of me during the race. 

I had a few thoughts that circled in my mind throughout the race.

*In the 5 1/2 years KC and I have been married I have been pregnant or with a new born baby for basically 3 of those years.  I have been able to do this race 2 times.  I feel a good sense of accomplishment for that.

*I can't wait to see my cute husband and kids at the end of this race.  During a race you pass so many amazing family and friends who are there cheering on their loved ones, but also cheer for you.  That always makes me a little nostalgic and so excited to see them.

*Towards the end I began to think about how one of the only things that kept me running was the fact that I had to use the bathroom SO BAD that I knew I had to keep running cause if I didn't get to the finish line quick I was going to have an accident.

*Another one of the participants was wearing a shirt that said:

2 Slow

2 Win

2 Dumb

2 Care

This made me laugh.  It made me think of the high school.

I was on the track team in high school.  For those of you who met me post high school this is probably pretty funny to you.  Actually those of you who knew me in high school also probably found this pretty funny!  I was/am NOT a good runner.

I got into track because of soccer. I moved the beginning of my sophmore year.  Knowing that we were moving and that I wanted to try out for the soccer team at my new school I started doing conditioning with my new school.  (GO WILDCATS!)  The soccer team at that time was doing conditioning with the track team over the summer so I began running with them.  Once school started I signed up for soccer conditioning, which just so happened to be combined with track conditioning.

I wasn't going to do track.  I am really bad at running.  Like, I'm not fast and I can't run long distances well.  Yet when the spring came a combination of a crush, the most amazing coach ever, and an amazing group of people won me over and I signed up to run track.

I have some amazing memories of that first year of track.  

*As I said I am not fast so I ran a lot of different races in order to find the one I could run the best.  

*The first time I tried to run the mile I wet my pants.  That's right, I literally wet my pants, well shorts.  I finished the race and hid under the bleachers until my mom came and found me and brought me new ones.  I was mortified.  

*I also tried pole vaulting that year.  I didn't do well, but I loved trying.   Plus that is where I started dating someone who is still a dear friend and one of the sweetest people I know.  

*Our long runs may have taken us past a delicious bakery.  I may or may not have slipped into the bakery on an occasion or two, gotten myself a cookie, and waited til I saw some of the last runners come by and then headed back.  Opps!

*I met some of the sweetest friends.  We made up weird nick names and grew really close.

I seriously loved track!  I really didn't like running, yet I seriously LOVED track!

I have been trying to run more as of late.  In part because I love eating.  Like I literally am in love with eating.  Unfortunately my metabolism doesn't love my eating as much as it used to.  In fact, this is something I wonder about daily: should I have taught myself to not eat so much and to eat better earlier in life, or should I more fully taken advantage of that great metabolism I used to have and eaten non-stop?  

 I digress.  

So anyway, I love to eat so in turn I decided I really need to work off a bit of that food, so I have started to run more.  Also, rumor has it it's good for you.

I think often of my track time during that.  I will always be 2 slow 2 win.  Yet that's ok.  I have started to enjoy my run.  Do I love to run.  Oh heavens no.  I do however love how I feel when I am done.  I love that I get that time to myself to think and to better myself and my health.  I am nicer to my husband and kids, I am better to myself.  I enjoy that feeling. 

Each day on my run I think about my old track coach.  My fastest mile in high school was around 6 1/2 minutes.  That is by no means going to win you a race in high school track.  Yet when I finished that race my coach greeted me with the biggest smile and gave me such a giant congrats.  I felt like I had won that day.  She made me feel like that often.  I still feel inspired by her 10 years later.

So though I will never be the fastest runner, or a runner of the longest distance, or the most graceful runner (do I do anything graceful?) I will continue to run.  I look forward to those times with my head phones in listening to everything from Nelly to Whitney Houston.  Nothing is better than good music, good thoughts, and a good workout.  

And nothing is better than ending your workout each day with a little Hansen.  Cause let's be honest, even if it was an awful workout before hand, if it is ended with a little Mmm Bop it's a great run!!

I need to get back to Tempe

My dear friends Nate and Julie had a baby months ago! They live in Arizona. I had planned to go down for the baby blessing, but do to a change in our family vacation I was not able to go. I was SO excited to plan this trip with some of my closest friends from college.

We left Thursday early evening and drove to Vegas where we spent the night and left early the next morning for Phoenix. It was so fun to see Nate, Julie and sweet baby Cal! Friday was spent catching up and playing some Xbox kinect. Nate and Julie also treated us to a great BBQ. It was amazing to sleep the entire night! I had no kids of my own with me and I didn't hear Cal at all! What a good baby he is!

Saturday we spent the morning eating Julie's AMAZING breakfast and hanging out before heading out for some shopping, dinner and stopping at the ever amazing Tempe Town Lake.

Michael and Al at dinner.

Al and Ash at Tempe Town Lake. The first place we went was so NOT impressive. When we went to the other side it was much more attractive. Too bad it was SO COLD!!

Isn't he the sweetest!?! Ash with Cal right before he had a BLOWOUT!! Way to welcome Ashley to parenthood Cal!

Sunday we went to church (experienced one of the weirdest sacrament meeting talk moments also) and then headed back to Nate and Julies to pack and bid them farewell.

From there we took off and headed to the Grand Canyon where we camped for the night. BRRRRR!!!!

Sunday was Michaels birthday also. We stopped on our way to the Grand Canyon and ate at Salsa Brava on Route 66. Pretty good food!

For some reason I just imagined the Grand Canyon to be very warm. This was NOT the case! There was snow on the ground where we camped. I perhaps slept about 3 hours that night. It was so freezing and my back was not agreeing with a thin camping pad.

The Grand Canyon sure was GRAND.

The watch tower.

It's amazing to think that tiny river was the cause of all of this!

Sweet Al, my date for the trip!

This trip was SO needed for me. I adored being Becky for a weekend! I read like I haven't read in years. I relaxed and didn't worry about anything. It was so much fun to laugh and talk about lots of great college memories. I loved listening to the Format in the car and feeling like we were back in time 7 years.

I feel so grateful to have the friends I do. They make me laugh. We are all very different people, yet it just works. They accept me for who I am. I am so grateful for the people they married and how well they fit into everything.

Thank you Nate and Julie for housing us and letting us take up one of your weekends. Thank you for letting me hold your sweet little guy! Thank you for being you and for being so sweet (Julie) and for being so Nate (Nate).

And it was so exciting to come back to these sweet faces! I sure do LOVE these kids! They make me SO happy!!

I am so lucky to have the family I do. My parents, KC's mom, and my sister all helped out and watched my kids!

Thanks so much to the sweetest, SWEETEST husband EVER! He stepped it up and went above and beyond to make this trip possible for me. I sure do LOVE that man!!!

LOVE is all you need...

... though a little sleep once in a while doesn't hurt either!

Exhaustion!

Sickness has been abundant in the Madill household the past several weeks. We have each been taking turns passing it around and around. I was beyond excited for a weekend of getting a little sleep to catch up for my lack of sleep due to helping the babes during the nights of throwing up or crying from upset tummy's. However reality is much different from the fantasy's I often dream of and the hubby caught the sickness this weekend. While he spent the weekend sleeping off his illness I spent it getting less sleep than even before.

Have you ever experienced that exhaustion where you can literally feel your body shutting down from the inside out? Even eating was hard due to the fact that my body didn't seem to want to use any energy it didn't absolutely have to.

Tired is not my best personality. Coupled with hunger it's even worse! I have been short of temper and quick to snap at my children. Poor kids of mine!

I read an article this week in short explaining the less than glorifying parts of motherhood. Someday's I focus more than I should on those difficult parts. I get frustrated with my lack of sleep. I long for a trip to the bathroom without a kid breaking in or at least trying to break in. Some days I would possibly do most anything to get a whole nights sleep uninterrupted. I miss those days when I got to eat my food when it was still hot, when I could just 'run' into a store to grab some milk, when 'get your finger out of your nose' was not a part of my daily vocabulary.

In short, I get selfish.

While I can get snippy and grumpy on those days of sheer selfishness I still do my best to try to follow the rule of saying at least 10 positive things for every 1 negative thing I say to those kids of mine. I want my kids to know that I think highly of them, that I love them. Trying to keep to the 10 to 1 rule is one of the ways I try to help them know of that love. I believe that when you are doing everything else wrong, if you love your kids, that's really the most important thing. I believe at the end of the day if I have done nothing else but make those kids feel of my love, it's been an ok day.

So though I am exhausted and grumpy I am going to go kiss my kids goodnight, tell them I love them, and tuck them into bed.

(And in 4 hours when they wake up screaming and yelling or wandering into my bedroom I will do my best to say nothing... cause in the middle of the night, saying nothing is just about as positive as I get!)

The Village

Grasping for my phone on my night stand I feel slightly frustrated when I read the 4:42 am that staring back at me. I knew I shouldn’t have had that last glass of water before bed. As I crawl back into my warm bed after my trip down the hall to the bathroom my mind wanders to how excited I am to be moving to a place where I will have a bathroom attached to my room. It’s all over from there. You know those people who are addicted to running; who love it, even crave it? Everyone knows one. You know… the kind of person who takes a step out the door and yearns to be running. This is my mind. Once it’s has its first thought, or had its first step, it has to run.

Moving is always an interesting thing for me. I spend a lot of time pondering any number of things: How I should set up my new place, what will the people be like in my new neighborhood, what color should I paint the walls, what will it be like not being able to just run my air and heat to my desired temperature since I will actually have to pay for it. Most of my time is spent pondering people however. I think of all the people who had an impact on me while living here.

Nearly 4 years ago I moved into what is known around these parts as The Village. I had heard a handful of things about it before moving here, mostly positive. Everyone I knew who had lived here had enjoyed their time. I was still skeptical. Now 4 of some of the most trying years later, I feel like I have had an overall positive experience at the village as well.

During my time here I lived the life of a married single mom. KC had work all day Monday-Friday and was gone Monday-Thursday following work to school until around 10pm. For 1 year of that I worked taking care of another little girl. Following that year I began working nights at the hospital 3 nights a week. After just about 2 years I was able to get down to 1 night a week. In addition to KC’s work and school he was called to a leadership position in our church which required him to attend weekly meetings as well as be gone a good handful of Sunday. I had 3 children by the end of this… the oldest of whom was not even 3 years old when the baby was born. I have had a very tiring bunch of years here.

Being so close to neighbors who are constantly moving in and out you get to know a lot of people. Not all relationships have been incredible, though I am sure you experience that everywhere. I have had countless days of loneliness, feeling left out of forgotten. We have a family who has lived by us who we are fairly certain has invited everyone around us to eat with them, yet we have never received an invite. While certainly not offended, it takes a lot to offend me, I still can’t help but wonder why. That’s a hardship of living so close to everyone, you get to see what everyone is doing and I think even the best of the women here feel left out or lonely from time to time.

Despite these feelings, living in the tight knit community that I have spent the last 4 years in, I am amazed at all the positive I have learned and taken away from the people I have come into contact with. Many of whom I may not have known very well. That’s one thing about living here, new people are constantly coming and going. You have so many people who touch your lives during such a short amount of time.

As I ponder on these relationships and think of all the people who have blessed my life here I can’t help but wonder what sort of a memory I will be leaving. I often contemplate what it would be like to have a Tom Sawyer experience and attend your own funeral. What would people say about you? I have wondered this a lot as I have been thinking about leaving my home for the past 4 years. When people think back on living next to me will the memory associated be a positive or a negative one? Or will it even be one that they remember? Will I just be the one who lived in so and so’s apartment before them? I am sure to some I will.

It’s a weird feeling to be leaving the life you know to go to something uncertain. I love and hate it. I am so excited to embark on my new journey. I feel the older I get the more I am ok with just being a bit of a hermit, which makes moving and being pushed out of that comfort zone a little more difficult. Yet it is so exciting too. It is always fun to start off with a completely clean slate.

As I prepare to begin my new journey I am sure will spend countless hours pondering over the house, new friends, and new adventures, that’s just who I am. I hope however I can take the things I have learned from those friendships and adventures I have had here and learn from them and be a better person. I hope that in my ramblings years down the road when I am preparing for the next adventure I can do so as a better person, leaving only happy (or at least mainly happy) memories with those people I am leaving.