Planning

'Life is what happens to you while you're busy making plans.' -John Lennon

Up until a couple years ago I thought the words 'unplanned pregnancy' meant you were not married or a teenager. Three children later I know different.

A neighbor of mine shared with me the news of her sister-in-law's 'unplanned pregnancy' and I couldn't help but get flashbacks to my own little surprise.

Having spent the winter of 2009-2010 with a sick family I didn't give a second thought to any sickness or throwing up I was doing. For the sake of this story I am going to skip the minor details to the feelings that followed the finding out that I was in fact pregnant.

I believe I went through most all the stages of grief, let me take you on that journey with me:

1. Shock and denial: I couldn't be pregnant! I had been told before that pregnancy would not come easy for me. I was breastfeeding. I was taking birth control. I still had a baby and my oldest had just barely turned 2. My husband was in school full time, working full time, and serving as the executive secretary in the bishopric. I could NOT be pregnant.

2. Anger and bargaining: I didn't stay mad too long. I was frustrated sure. Didn't Heavenly Father know everything that I was dealing with. Didn't this baby up in heaven see how crazy I was going with 2 kids... what would make her want to come join that chaos. There was for sure a time when I during my prayers I would say something to the effect of 'ok, if you are going to do this to me you had better send an angel baby, calm all my children, and give my husband a job where he makes enough for me to hire a nanny, maid, and cook.'

3. Depression, reflection, loneliness: This is where I probably spent most of my grieving process. I don't do pregnant well. My body hates it. I fight contractions almost my entire pregnancy. My second baby broke my pelvis and it had not healed before getting pregnant again. As bad as being pregnant seems to be labor seems to be even worse for me. I didn't have enough time to have that last pregnancy/labor leave my memory at all. Days after I found out I was pregnant with my surprise baby my husbands church calling got changed from executive secretary to 2nd counselor, which meant not only was I going to be getting the kids ready for church, to church, through Sunday School, and home from church alone. I was also going to be sitting through sacrament meeting alone... with 3 kids... and the oldest would not even be 3 yet. How would I ever be able to leave my house again? I had a hard time doing things with the 2 kids and I could literally not fathom bringing another one along. Being at home with kids when you have a husband who is gone Monday-Thursday from 8am-10pm and Friday from 8am-6pm only to send you off to work a 6pm-6am night shift gets really lonely. I felt like having another baby would only take me away from the real world even more than I already felt I was.

I am going to add another part to this one which is guilt. I felt super guilty for my feelings. I knew I wanted another baby, just not yet. What was wrong with me? I got married wondering if I would ever be able to have a baby and if so thinking it would be a long road for me to get there. I had a sister who at the time I found out I was pregnant with this one still was trying to get pregnant (luckily she informed us of her pregnancy a couple weeks before we were planning on doing so). I had friends who had been waiting years, who had adopted, and who were still struggling trying to have babies. I could not understand what was wrong with me to feel these ways. Babies were such an amazing blessing... why was I upset about getting another one. I felt like a terrible person. I should have been shouting from the roofs, not crying in my room. I also felt guilt for the lives of my children. My poor middle child was not going to be able to be a baby for very long. How was I going to give each of my children all the love and attention that each of them needed.

4. The upward turn: I would be going through all the diaper years at once. I would never get used to sleeping only to lose it again. My kids would be close in age and will always have a friend.

5. Reconstruction and working through: I was going to have 3 kids. I could not longer fight that idea. All there was left to do was figure out a good way to do this. I worked on organizing my life. Reorganizing closets, cars, bedrooms to make it fit 3 kids and to make things as smooth as possible. I bought cloth diapers and worked hard with my oldest on body training in order to cut the price of diapers. I ordered a good baby carrier (ERGO) knowing that is where my baby would be hanging out a good chunk of time when she came. I learned to ask for help when I needed it.

6. Acceptance and hope: I don't know if I hit this one until my baby came. I can tell you that the minute I held that sweet baby in the hospital all thoughts and worries left. All I knew was that I loved that baby and that she was meant to be with my and my family. I knew that we would get through anything the came our way!

I wish I could say that I have stayed in a state of acceptance and hope. My baby is 8 months now and I have felt any of these stages a number of times. I'm sure most parents have. There has been trial and error. I have done much wrong. I have had to learn to rely on others. Figuring out how to give each of my children all that they need is a daily struggle. Figuring out how to meet my own needs in order to meet their needs has been even harder. I would be lying if I said that at least once a week I didn't feel frustrated about the fact that I rarely get to do anything that I want to do. After these moments comes the guilt of not enjoying where my life is now. There are days when I am ready to run away. There are days I cry.

Despite these things there are the moments where my kids are playing and laughing together. The moments when I get my hugs and my kisses. I get more love from these kids than I ever could have imagined. I love these kids and can't imagine my life without these kids. These kids were meant to be with me and they were meant to be here now.

Does life get easier as time goes on... kinda. I think more than anything you just learn to accept the chaos. You learn to embrace the chaos. You learn to love the chaos (most of the time)!