To start this story I need to take you on a quick trip. This trip starts 7 years ago, almost to the day.
I had just begun working a new job at a group home for adults with disabilities. My supervisor was a skinny guy with a full blown beard. He was serious and not interested in small talk. I didn't dislike him, but didn't like him either. 3 months later I started working the same position as him and needed some extra training and had loads of questions. Such began our friendship. We began dating shortly after and despite being in school and both working 45-60 hour weeks we quickly fell in love.
Early November 2006 I married KC. We both continued to work crazy hours and KC moved into an apartment I had been living in that semester. A studio so small we couldn't even fit a real bed and had to have a futon we could fold up. We washed our dishes in the kitchen sink, cooked on a hot plate, and grocery shopped nearly every day as we only had a mini fridge that could hardly hold anything. After the semester ended we decided to move to Salt Lake to be nearer to family and so KC could attend the University of Utah.
Up to this point KC had attended 3 different schools and had even more majors. So bless that mans heart when we got married he was basically just beginning his schooling. He enrolled in school and got to work. KC was still working for the company we worked for in Logan, he had just transfered areas. I was working at a day care while finishing up my last few classes on line for graduation. In January we became host parents to a 36 year old lady with disabilities whom we worked with at the group home in Logan. Being host parents is similar to being foster parents. She moved in with us and we became her care takers.
KJ (the lady who lived with us) is kind of hard to explain. She was a larger lady, weighing in at 280 when she moved in with us, who required that we locked our kitchen or she would eat anything she could get her hands on (before we got the kitchen locked she ate all of our flour cause she was hungry). She was sweet as can be when she was in a good mood and had a very tender heart. KJ loves money and was not above stealing it if she could. She loves cross word puzzles and listening to music. KJ picked and ate her scabs which left her legs covered with open wounds. She would often get upset about something and even if you thought you had it figured out, in the middle of the night you would hear her pounding on the walls yelling profanity in anger. She hardly slept which gave her all sorts of time to think about things and work herself up. I loved her and still love her deeply.
While we were being host parents, both working 40 hour weeks, and going to school we found out we were expecting a baby the following November. Much quicker than we had planned, but we were excited. This meant we needed to re evaluate our plans. Once we had a couple episodes of KJ trying to punch me in the stomach and threaten to kill our baby we decided we couldn't keep her in the house with a new baby. The day before our one year anniversary KJ moved out. Just over 2 weeks later our first, Jackson, was born.
I quit the day care and stayed home with Jackson for about 2 months when I began babysitting another little girl. KC continued to work 40 hours at his one job as well as working for several months another part time job. He was also a full time student. After these months of working 2 jobs he was able to get a different job and we moved up to student housing at the U where he worked and attended school. When Jackson was about 1 year old we figured out we just weren't quite making ends meet so I went and got my CNA and got a job at Primary Childrens Hospital working 3 12 hour night shifts a week. This way I could still work, yet I could be home with Jackson and not have to pay for a sitter. A month into working there we found out we were expecting baby number 2. 8 months (and a cracked pelvis) later Kambree was born.
I felt blessed to be able to take 3 months off when we had Kambree. It was nice to be home, though Kambree had reflux induced colic and I had a bit of the baby blues. Those were some rough months for me, so I was grateful to not have to add work to that too. Luckily Kambree became much more pleasant around 4 months which did amazing things for my baby blues. 5 months after returning to work I found out I was 2 1/2 months along with a sweet surprise that decided to come to us despite breast feeding and being on the mini pill. I cut back to 2 nights a week and at the end of my pregnancy I was only working once a week. I felt like a terrible mom because I was always so exhausted. Being pregnant for 2 years straight and working nights doesn't not make for an energized mother.
While this was going on with me KC was working full time during the day and attending classes Monday-Thursday from 6-9pm. He was also called to be the executive secretary at our church just before Kambree was born and then a counselor in the Bishopric just before Kaylee was born. We rarely saw each other as KC had work and school all week and I would work Friday nights and try to get a little sleep on Saturday. Sundays were full with church and church meetings. During any spare time he had KC was trying to study. He did amazing and was on the Deans list nearly every semester. After graduating with a double bachelors KC did a Masters in Information Systems and then began his MBA Fall of 2011.
Summer of 2011 KC got a job with his current company. In December we moved to Lehi into a cute little community. I was glad to leave our apartments at the University of Utah. I did miss the people, the closeness to KC's school, and the empathy and service we all had for each other as we were all experiencing similar things. KC's current job made it so I could quit working nights and just stay home with the kids. I am so grateful for that.
His new job also made it so on a good day he is home at 6:30pm. He works as an assistant to someone so more often then not their needs come before ours as they pay the bills. He continues to have class multiple times a week.
As for me, I love being able to stay home with my kids. I would be lying if said I didn't miss the bit of adult interaction and the sense of accomplishment that work gave me. Being home with the kids is where I want to be though. This doesn't mean that there are many days, many times a day, I want to rip my hair out. My kids are spunky, they are exhausting, they are needy. Having a husband who works long hours and is still attending school means that I rarely get a break. Me time doesn't exist anymore. We have also been trying for quite some time to add another child to our family with no luck. (This has been frustrating, and probably good for me, as all I had to do before was wave at KC across the room and my belly would grow.)
Now we are in the present.
Several weeks ago KC informed me of a trip his work was taking the employees on as a bonding time and an appreciation time. At the time their plans were to have the employees show up at work, like it was just a normal day, and load them into buses, take them to the airport, and fly them to Disneyland for the day. For whatever reason this was super upsetting to me. I felt jealous. I felt frustrated for families who would be expecting their family member home at the normal time only to find out that wouldn't happen as they would not be arriving home until later that night. I felt under appreciated. I felt sad. I felt mad.
I wish I could explain my feelings about this and have them make sense. I think anyone who has ever just been overwhelmed and maybe had a bout of depression might understand that it is just too hard to put it all into words. It was not about this Disneyland trip (they decided to let the employees know ahead of time so they could plan accordingly which is good, but I still find the idea of sending people to Disneyland without family weird. Plus the only thing about Disneyland that KC finds the least bit enjoyable is family so it's not going to be the funnest appreciation day for him), but about every small frustration that I had been feeling for years. I was feelings things that I didn't even realize had been frustrating or hurting me.
I literally felt like I was going crazy. One hour I would cry not stop, the next I would be mad as all get out, the next I would be jealous, the next I would be frustrated, the next I would be sad. I could not get a hold on my feelings or what was going on. (I wanted to give you a bit of my story so you could maybe understand a small bit of the things that might have added up to this.) I tend to be more of an easy going person. Even when I am pregnant I am not too crazy, so this was seriously weird.
Yet sort of freeing.
KC and I discussed things we had never talked about before. We got a better idea of where we were both coming from. I had always tried to be strong and supportive as I know KC being gone so much is for our benefit in the end and I know this is only a phase in life. Let's be honest, I still did my fair share of complaining, but I never really talked to KC about things I was feelings through all of this. This melt down of sorts gave me a chance to do that. I grew closer to my husband.
I also grew closer to my Father in Heaven. I think I did more praying and studying during this then I have done during my whole marriage. I am so thankful for a Father in Heaven who loves me. I am thankful for people who act on promptings letting my Heavenly Father work through them. So many times my prayers were answered through the hand of someone else.
I also got to know myself a little more. I think it's so easy as parents to lose ourselves in our kids lives. Especially if you are like me and rarely have a moment away from them. It was nice to get to know myself a little bit again.
I am working on a lot of things. One learns a lot about themselves when they completely lose it! When I was dating I remember thinking that once I got married I wouldn't have a whole lot to worry about anymore. I could have sex whenever I wanted which would take away my number 1 temptation so I didn't see what I could do wrong. WOW! Bless my poor little heart. I have so much to work on and look forward to continuing to try to be a better person.
In college I used to listen to a song that stated, 'there's beauty in the breakdown...'
This holds more truth then I ever knew at that time.
