The Village

Grasping for my phone on my night stand I feel slightly frustrated when I read the 4:42 am that staring back at me. I knew I shouldn’t have had that last glass of water before bed. As I crawl back into my warm bed after my trip down the hall to the bathroom my mind wanders to how excited I am to be moving to a place where I will have a bathroom attached to my room. It’s all over from there. You know those people who are addicted to running; who love it, even crave it? Everyone knows one. You know… the kind of person who takes a step out the door and yearns to be running. This is my mind. Once it’s has its first thought, or had its first step, it has to run.

Moving is always an interesting thing for me. I spend a lot of time pondering any number of things: How I should set up my new place, what will the people be like in my new neighborhood, what color should I paint the walls, what will it be like not being able to just run my air and heat to my desired temperature since I will actually have to pay for it. Most of my time is spent pondering people however. I think of all the people who had an impact on me while living here.

Nearly 4 years ago I moved into what is known around these parts as The Village. I had heard a handful of things about it before moving here, mostly positive. Everyone I knew who had lived here had enjoyed their time. I was still skeptical. Now 4 of some of the most trying years later, I feel like I have had an overall positive experience at the village as well.

During my time here I lived the life of a married single mom. KC had work all day Monday-Friday and was gone Monday-Thursday following work to school until around 10pm. For 1 year of that I worked taking care of another little girl. Following that year I began working nights at the hospital 3 nights a week. After just about 2 years I was able to get down to 1 night a week. In addition to KC’s work and school he was called to a leadership position in our church which required him to attend weekly meetings as well as be gone a good handful of Sunday. I had 3 children by the end of this… the oldest of whom was not even 3 years old when the baby was born. I have had a very tiring bunch of years here.

Being so close to neighbors who are constantly moving in and out you get to know a lot of people. Not all relationships have been incredible, though I am sure you experience that everywhere. I have had countless days of loneliness, feeling left out of forgotten. We have a family who has lived by us who we are fairly certain has invited everyone around us to eat with them, yet we have never received an invite. While certainly not offended, it takes a lot to offend me, I still can’t help but wonder why. That’s a hardship of living so close to everyone, you get to see what everyone is doing and I think even the best of the women here feel left out or lonely from time to time.

Despite these feelings, living in the tight knit community that I have spent the last 4 years in, I am amazed at all the positive I have learned and taken away from the people I have come into contact with. Many of whom I may not have known very well. That’s one thing about living here, new people are constantly coming and going. You have so many people who touch your lives during such a short amount of time.

As I ponder on these relationships and think of all the people who have blessed my life here I can’t help but wonder what sort of a memory I will be leaving. I often contemplate what it would be like to have a Tom Sawyer experience and attend your own funeral. What would people say about you? I have wondered this a lot as I have been thinking about leaving my home for the past 4 years. When people think back on living next to me will the memory associated be a positive or a negative one? Or will it even be one that they remember? Will I just be the one who lived in so and so’s apartment before them? I am sure to some I will.

It’s a weird feeling to be leaving the life you know to go to something uncertain. I love and hate it. I am so excited to embark on my new journey. I feel the older I get the more I am ok with just being a bit of a hermit, which makes moving and being pushed out of that comfort zone a little more difficult. Yet it is so exciting too. It is always fun to start off with a completely clean slate.

As I prepare to begin my new journey I am sure will spend countless hours pondering over the house, new friends, and new adventures, that’s just who I am. I hope however I can take the things I have learned from those friendships and adventures I have had here and learn from them and be a better person. I hope that in my ramblings years down the road when I am preparing for the next adventure I can do so as a better person, leaving only happy (or at least mainly happy) memories with those people I am leaving.

Student Living

Over 3 years ago I moved into the apartments I live in now. While living here we have moved apartments once. My first apartment had an easy bake oven to cook with and my kitchen was in my front room. Both apartments have cinder block walls, practically cement for flooring, very little storage, and lets just say they leave little to the imagination in the way of what your neighbors are up to.

Packed into these apartments are many, many families who have one or more members as students at the University. We are all VERY close to each other and know way more about each others business than probably anyone should. During the 3+ years I have lived here this has been cause for some serious fights and drama.

Rarely do I see my husband more than an hour or two during the wake hours. Me working nights and him working full time and going to school full time can do that (though me quitting my job and him being in the PMBA program-a program where they meet only 2 nights a week- I am going to be seeing more of him).

Yet, I seem to still love this place (most of the time).

My apartment has less room, which means less things. It has taught me to not keep everything. Not to mention my kids have a playground full of friends right outside our front door.

We are blessed to live by many people who come from other countries which has been a fun experience for us to get to know more about those countries and to have my children grow up around many different people from many different cultures.

I have met some of the most inspiring women. If you don't mind I would like to share a few thoughts about a few of those women.

One of my dearest friends right now was my neighbor. She has since moved. While living here she experienced some things that one can only dream of, and they are not the happy kind of dreams, including the loss of a baby at only 5 weeks. The way that her and her family dealt with that loss was an amazing testimony builder to me of eternal life. They have such strength and bonded together as a couple and family in a way I find so uplifting and inspiring. She has become a confidant, support, second mother to my children, and friend. I feel so blessed to know her.

Another friend is still a neighbor now. When I first met her I knew there is no way we would be friends! In my eyes at the time we could not be more different. She believes in natural home births... I want the epidural the minute I walk in the hospital. She is into natural foods.... some days me and my children eat cheetos and oreos for breakfast. Yet some how over the past few years I have gotten to know this woman and have developed such a deep respect and love for her. I use cloth diapers now (not all the time, but some of it) which I never dreamed I would do because of the excitement she had while talking with me of it. I have learned things about the gospel of Jesus Christ and how I tie into it through her that I never would have figured out on my own. She has taught me so much about looking at things and truly getting all that I can out of them. She has blessed my life more than I think she has any idea.

Recently I was pared up to go visiting teaching with a neighbor who I had known for a while and always really respected. You know how sometimes you think someone is amazing and could do no wrong until you get to know them. This woman is the opposite! You think she is amazing and then you get to know her and you realize she is even more amazing than you first had imagined! She is constantly cooking meals for others, volunteering to help with others children, or just going out of her way to help other women. She is so smart! I know she is not perfect... but she is pretty darn close!

You know that friend you can just say anything to and you know it's safe. I have one of those here. I could cry to her, whine to her, laugh with her, vent to her... and I know that no matter what we are going to end up ok and still be good friends. I love her for that!

I wish I could tell stories of all the amazing women in my life here. The ones who encouraged me as we did a triathlon together, who have taken my kids to their houses to play when they knew(or didn't know) that I needed a break, the ones who are new to my life and feel like kindred spirits (thanks Anne of Green Gables!), the friends who helped me through my baby blues, who held my kids during church when I was out of hands, the ones who have come to girls nights and made me laugh til my sides hurt! I am so blessed to know the women I do.

And my cute husband who works so hard to provide and go to school. Living here has been such a blessing to us when he is gone so much. He has been able to meet some pretty amazing people who have helped him in decision making when it comes to schools and jobs. And I have been blessed by the friends and neighbors I have in being taken care of while he is not around. I know there is always someone to help and that is a great blessing.

Before moving here I had a neighbor in my moms ward tell her how she LOVED her time living where we live and how she misses it. I had a hard time believing her when we first arrived. Now I know it to be true. The people we know here are going places. They are going to bless the lives of so many people and I feel so lucky to be one of those people. I'm not going to lie... I look forward to one day owning a home of my own, but for now this is my little cinder block heaven on earth!

Today

It's 1pm.

My youngest is sitting on the floor eating a cracker. As I look over I can see bits of her mac and cheese baby food in her hair that I missed while cleaning her up. At least she is dressed right?

The oldest is sitting at the computer watching 'Fireman Sam' on Netflix and eating a fruit leather. He's still in his pjs!

My middle baby is in her bed napping..... in only her diaper!

I see all of this while lounging across my couch with the computer on my lap. On my left is a GINORMOUS pile of clothes! Scanning the room I notice piles of who knows what in just about every nook and cranny the room has. Perhaps I should get up and clean something. Perhaps...

I'm watching someone learn how to break dance on the tv... how old is too old to pick something like that up?

KC starts his new job on Friday! Consequently I turned in my two weeks notice. I am seriously thrilled!!!

I should really get some stuff done! Or maybe nap.... we'll see!

Woman of Steel!

"It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself."

- Muhammed Ali

Everything seemed to be burning.... my legs, arms, and lungs!! Muscles that I didn't even know I had seemed to be aching. Yet I had never felt more alive!

Saturday was the Women of Steel triathlon. I knew that I wanted to try a sprint triathlon at some point before I had my next child. My great neighbor told me of one called the Women of Steel triathlon that she was going to do with her sisters. I figured why put it off and signed up and quickly paid so I couldn't back out.

When I began my training running a simple mile was a HUGE trial! I was so out of shape!! I can't even explain how far I had to go. I was quite positive that there was no way I was going to be able to accomplish this tri. I was scared and in all honesty kinda mad I had paid and told people about it because it would have been so much easier to just not do it!

About half way through my training I had a bit of an eye opening experience where I realized I was capable of so much more than I gave myself credit for. I could do this!

Race day that calming feeling of 'I can do this' flew out the window! I had some serious race day jitters! As I stood in the line waiting to get into the pool I talked with my neighbor, which helped distract me a little bit. Once I entered that pool I knew it was just me! Running from the pool to change and grab my bike I was still unsure of my ability to do this. I can say it was probably about 4 miles into the bike ride before I was reminded once again of my abilities.

I had finally rounded the corner after the hill that I felt would never end to face a crowd of people cheering. I know they were there for a certain person or group of people, but that didn't stop them from cheering me on as I passed by. Yelling out shouts of encouragement I felt renewed. I was a strong woman! I thought back to all that I had accomplished in the past years. Carrying and giving birth to 3 amazing kids being one of my greatest accomplishments. Not doing much physical aside from those kids and yet here I was accomplishing this race. I felt the love of my great family and friends and for one of the first times in a long time I felt a great love for myself. I was really proud of myself. What an amazing feeling that was!

Now I am sore, but I can't help but be reminded with each sore muscle of the great feat I have accomplished!

People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success.
-- Norman Vincent Peale

Planning

'Life is what happens to you while you're busy making plans.' -John Lennon

Up until a couple years ago I thought the words 'unplanned pregnancy' meant you were not married or a teenager. Three children later I know different.

A neighbor of mine shared with me the news of her sister-in-law's 'unplanned pregnancy' and I couldn't help but get flashbacks to my own little surprise.

Having spent the winter of 2009-2010 with a sick family I didn't give a second thought to any sickness or throwing up I was doing. For the sake of this story I am going to skip the minor details to the feelings that followed the finding out that I was in fact pregnant.

I believe I went through most all the stages of grief, let me take you on that journey with me:

1. Shock and denial: I couldn't be pregnant! I had been told before that pregnancy would not come easy for me. I was breastfeeding. I was taking birth control. I still had a baby and my oldest had just barely turned 2. My husband was in school full time, working full time, and serving as the executive secretary in the bishopric. I could NOT be pregnant.

2. Anger and bargaining: I didn't stay mad too long. I was frustrated sure. Didn't Heavenly Father know everything that I was dealing with. Didn't this baby up in heaven see how crazy I was going with 2 kids... what would make her want to come join that chaos. There was for sure a time when I during my prayers I would say something to the effect of 'ok, if you are going to do this to me you had better send an angel baby, calm all my children, and give my husband a job where he makes enough for me to hire a nanny, maid, and cook.'

3. Depression, reflection, loneliness: This is where I probably spent most of my grieving process. I don't do pregnant well. My body hates it. I fight contractions almost my entire pregnancy. My second baby broke my pelvis and it had not healed before getting pregnant again. As bad as being pregnant seems to be labor seems to be even worse for me. I didn't have enough time to have that last pregnancy/labor leave my memory at all. Days after I found out I was pregnant with my surprise baby my husbands church calling got changed from executive secretary to 2nd counselor, which meant not only was I going to be getting the kids ready for church, to church, through Sunday School, and home from church alone. I was also going to be sitting through sacrament meeting alone... with 3 kids... and the oldest would not even be 3 yet. How would I ever be able to leave my house again? I had a hard time doing things with the 2 kids and I could literally not fathom bringing another one along. Being at home with kids when you have a husband who is gone Monday-Thursday from 8am-10pm and Friday from 8am-6pm only to send you off to work a 6pm-6am night shift gets really lonely. I felt like having another baby would only take me away from the real world even more than I already felt I was.

I am going to add another part to this one which is guilt. I felt super guilty for my feelings. I knew I wanted another baby, just not yet. What was wrong with me? I got married wondering if I would ever be able to have a baby and if so thinking it would be a long road for me to get there. I had a sister who at the time I found out I was pregnant with this one still was trying to get pregnant (luckily she informed us of her pregnancy a couple weeks before we were planning on doing so). I had friends who had been waiting years, who had adopted, and who were still struggling trying to have babies. I could not understand what was wrong with me to feel these ways. Babies were such an amazing blessing... why was I upset about getting another one. I felt like a terrible person. I should have been shouting from the roofs, not crying in my room. I also felt guilt for the lives of my children. My poor middle child was not going to be able to be a baby for very long. How was I going to give each of my children all the love and attention that each of them needed.

4. The upward turn: I would be going through all the diaper years at once. I would never get used to sleeping only to lose it again. My kids would be close in age and will always have a friend.

5. Reconstruction and working through: I was going to have 3 kids. I could not longer fight that idea. All there was left to do was figure out a good way to do this. I worked on organizing my life. Reorganizing closets, cars, bedrooms to make it fit 3 kids and to make things as smooth as possible. I bought cloth diapers and worked hard with my oldest on body training in order to cut the price of diapers. I ordered a good baby carrier (ERGO) knowing that is where my baby would be hanging out a good chunk of time when she came. I learned to ask for help when I needed it.

6. Acceptance and hope: I don't know if I hit this one until my baby came. I can tell you that the minute I held that sweet baby in the hospital all thoughts and worries left. All I knew was that I loved that baby and that she was meant to be with my and my family. I knew that we would get through anything the came our way!

I wish I could say that I have stayed in a state of acceptance and hope. My baby is 8 months now and I have felt any of these stages a number of times. I'm sure most parents have. There has been trial and error. I have done much wrong. I have had to learn to rely on others. Figuring out how to give each of my children all that they need is a daily struggle. Figuring out how to meet my own needs in order to meet their needs has been even harder. I would be lying if I said that at least once a week I didn't feel frustrated about the fact that I rarely get to do anything that I want to do. After these moments comes the guilt of not enjoying where my life is now. There are days when I am ready to run away. There are days I cry.

Despite these things there are the moments where my kids are playing and laughing together. The moments when I get my hugs and my kisses. I get more love from these kids than I ever could have imagined. I love these kids and can't imagine my life without these kids. These kids were meant to be with me and they were meant to be here now.

Does life get easier as time goes on... kinda. I think more than anything you just learn to accept the chaos. You learn to embrace the chaos. You learn to love the chaos (most of the time)!

Strength

I got married 2 months before my 23rd birthday. With almost 23 years under my belt I felt like I had life figured out. I had moved out of my house, lived with roommates, attended college, had my faith tested, and through these things I had gained a testimony of what I believed and 'figured' out how my life was going to go.

Now 4 1/2 years later I am discovering how little I knew.

Having given birth to 3 kids in just under 3 years took quite the toll on my body. After having my last I decided I was going to compete in a sprint triathlon. This may not seem too big a thing for some, but being as I could barely run a mile, it was a HUGE thing!!

Training began as a horrible pain! I dreaded going on runs, riding the bike, or swimming laps. More times than I can name I thought about doing less than I planned on doing cause I was tired. One day while I was running a million and a half laps around my apartment complex at 9:30pm after I had finally gotten the kids to sleep the thought of what I was really accomplishing sunk into my head. I was not running these laps to prove anything to anyone but myself. I needed to do this to prove I could do something that at first seemed impossible. I needed to do this to show myself that I could get in shape and keep up with my children.

And I COULD do this. That I believe was the biggest thing that spoke to me that day. I was capable of more than I thought I was. It may hurt and I may not like it, but I can do it! What a freeing thought that was! I am stronger than I thought I was... I am better than I think I am!

Between swimming, biking, and running I have had a lot of time to spend with just me and my thoughts. Sometimes that is a frightening thing. There is that quote about your real character showing when you respond to things when no one is around to see. I have learned alot about my true character during this time spent with myself. Some things I like.... some I have had a real reality check on.

One thing that has really come to stick with me is to work on not judging or assuming things about people. I thought one day about the many places I have been in my development as a person and how far I have to come. I thought about the many people who have helped me to become a better person than I was or to overcome the challenges I was dealing with. Some of these people understood where I was because they had been there. I wonder where I would be now if instead of helping me and being understanding, they would have judged and thought about how I was so dumb for responding to my challenges the way I did, or given up on me because I took much longer than they did to figure something out.

I have come to a real understanding of the fact that we are all at different points in our life. We are all figuring things out as we go along. Many of us make mistakes along the way... in fact all of us do. Isn't that what this life is about. Coming here to earth to figure things out and inevitably make mistakes along the way. That's what the joy of our Saviors Atonement is about. So who am I to comment on why people are having a hard time with the things they are. Something that may not be hard for me may be a faith rocking experience for someone else. Things that may not stress me out, may cause unbearable amounts of stress for others. Likewise many of the things I struggle with may not be difficult for others. We all have to figure things out as we go along and we all take different amounts of time doing so. This has really been speaking to me as of late and I am still so far from perfect in my putting this into action in my life, but I have really been trying.

I used to think that strength was just something that related to muscles. Through my training I have discovered how much strength I have gained in this experience. Not only in my muscles through my physical training, but also mental and spiritual strength. How grateful I am for this experience I have had to grow and learn.

As I look back to my thoughts early on in my marriage, how I had it all figured out, I can't help but laugh a little. I think I now realize that I will never have it all figured out. That's kind of the joy in it all though isn't it?

I like myself!

We read often at our house. Sometimes I get to choose the book. This is one of my favorites: (partially for what it teaches my kids, partially for what it teaches me!)

I like myself!

I'm glad I'm me.

There's no one else

I'd rather be.

I like my eyes, my ears, my nose.

I like my fingers and my toes.

I like me wild.

I like me tame.

I like me different

And the same.

I like me fast. I like me slow.

I like me everywhere I go.

I like me on the inside too,

For all I think and say and do.

Inside, outside, upside down,

From head to toe and all around,

I like it all! It all is me!

And me is all I want to be.

And I don't care in any way

What someone else may think or say.

I may be called a silly nut

or crazy cuckoo bird-so what?

I'm having too much fun, you see,

For anything to bother me!

Even when I look a mess,

I still don't like me any less,

'Cause nothing in this world, you know

Can change what's deep inside, and so...

No matter if they stop and stare,

No person

Ever

Anywhere

Can make me feel that what they see

Is all there really is to me.

I'd still like me with fleas or warts,

Or with a silly snout that snorts,

Or knobby knees or hippo hips

Or purple polka-dotted lips,

Or beaver breath or stinky toes

Or horns protruding from my nose,

Or-yikes-with spikes all down my spine,

Or hair that's like a porcupine.

I still would be the same, you see...

I like myself because I'm ME!

Written by: Karen Beaumont

Lessons learned

Nervously I watch as she teeters on the ladder on her way up the jungle gym. Never does her confidence waver as she slowly works her way up to the slide. At times she falls, sometimes requiring a hug, kiss, and a bit of comfort. Other times she looks around and hops back to her feet. Always she tries again.

He is a little more hesitant. Always the cautious one he takes his time doing new things during his play. Yet he knows what he wants and he will get it. No one can tell him what to do or when to do it. He loves his sister and he protects her.

She trusts quickly. She forgives easily. She loves to have fun. She is genuinely friendly. She is a great 'mommy' to her 'babies'. She dances in public when people are looking. She sings... LOUD! She smiles often. She is a friend to anyone who comes her way. She loves to learn.

He prays about everything on his mind. He tells me he loves me often. He says please and thank you. He has a great imagination and is always exercising that. He loves to read. He loves his family and watches out for them. He is smart.

There are amazing lessons to be learned from these kids of mine!

Heaven Sent

Ever have one of those moments where you know Heavenly Father was talking straight to you?Saturday was such a day for me.

Stake Conference was looking to be a good one. Pretty sure anything beginning with a good dinner of Cafe Rio and talk with some fun neighbors is just set up to be good.

Walking to the chapel with my husband my mind wandered to my younger years. I had so many opportunities to learn of the gospel and have my Spirit renewed while in college. The beginning years I think I was just starting to learn of what my testimony was. I had some trial and errors like most anyone. My later years of college however were spent being on institute committees and being in the IWA inner chapter. Summer work consisted of being a counselor at EFY and being surrounded by the gospel. I was always being spiritually fed.

Life continued. I got married and had children. Time became less about me and more about everyone else. I was no longer attending Institute and often during church I felt it to be a good meeting if I was able to hear more than 5 minutes uninterrupted.

As I sat down my mind continued to wander. A member of the 70 was in attendance with his wife. About half way through the meeting his wife stood to talk. 'Many of you may feel stretched,' she began. Tears began to flow from my eyes! As she talked part of my heart was touched that so badly needed every word she spoke. No one has yet to view what I wrote just the night before here on this blog, yet she spoke right to the very subject I had written on.

Heaven smiled upon me that Saturday evening. My Father in Heaven sent His love through a kind woman I didn't even know. More often than not I feel of His love through others. Bless those who are in touch with the Spirit enough to answer the prayers of an exhausted housewife.

Stretched thin...

...in my life, not my body shape!

It's cold. Freezing actually. Seems to always be the case at the hospital. I look out the window to my left to a sight of snow falling. Shoot, I was really hoping it was getting closer to spring and warmer weather. At least we have covered parking here.



The baby in the room behind me has started crying again. Can't help but think of how for lots of working moms work is a break from the crazy of life with kids. As I get a wiff of myself... baby spit up, poop, throw up, formula... I laugh at the irony of that.



Time. Some of my patients only have a short amount of it. Usually I like to work on the unit I am on as most of my patients get better and go home. On occasion however there are a few who are just living on borrowed time. My heart is not strong enough to contimplate the reality of that for long. Kids should not die. They just shouldn't. My mind tells me there is a greater plan that takes care of things like this. My heart hurts.



Speaking of hurt, I shift on my sore bottom. I've been riding on the spin bike to prepare for my triathlon. I really hate that bike. People tell me I will get used to it. They say to get some biking shorts. Turns out they are not cheap shorts. Gotten so bad I have thought maybe the idea of putting maxi pads into the shorts I own is not such a terrible idea after all. This used to be a joke.



Why does everything have to cost money? KC heard back about the job he had the second interview for. More bad news. The kind side of me feels for KC. He is such a hard worker and has so much to offer. The selfish side feels for me. Visions of turning in my 2 weeks notice had been dancing in my head.



Stake conference is tomorrow... the adult session anyway. My nice brother is coming to our house to watch the kids while we attend. The priesthood sessions start at 3:30 p.m. That means our Saturday is pretty much gone. Hopefully I can get a some good laps in at the pool after my nap before he has to go.



Drowning. Swimming is hard stuff. Life is harder. KC being at work all day then at school all night, not returning home til after 10 is really starting to wear on me. You would think that after years of this being our schedule I would be used to it. I guess the adding of children makes it a bit more exhausting. Piles of laundry, dishes, toys, unfinished projects, and lack of sleep are slowly taking over my days and I often feel like I am drowning in them. Pushing with all my might trying to get to the top. It's in sight, yet often just out of reach.



4 a.m. Only 2 hours to go. Hope the kids haven't been up all night. When I called at 10 p.m. the hubby was interupted by a little boy who was informing him that his blankets fell off. We have really got to teach that kid to put his own blankets back on him. I'm sure then it would be something else.



Man this hospital is freezing!