We Believe

For years now I have struggled with finding balance in my life.  This is true in many different facets the life I lead: When is me time selfish and when it is important, when am I over scheduling my life and my kids life vs. adding new and exciting things, the list goes on and on.

Christmas is a time when my efforts for finding a balance seems to something I think of and ponder on more than ever.  There are so many things I want to do and see, yet I don't want to make our already hectic lives anymore crazy than needed.  Even more so is the challenge of finding a balance in this world of me and the true meaning of Christmas.  

The past few years I have had many friends who have come to the conclusion that they aren't going to have Santa in their homes.  For whatever reason their beliefs lead them to make this decision and I respect that for them and their families this is what they believe to be the right thing.  After several years I have come to a conclusion of what I believe in.

I believe in Santa.  I believe in the magic he brings to my home this time of year.  I believe in the smiles he brings to my children's faces.  I believe in the spirit of kindness and giving that he reminds us of.

I believe in the Elves who help all year to serve and help others and find joy in that.  I believe in making cookies, gingerbread houses and men, fudge, etc and the time I spend with my family doing so.  I believe in reindeer who help lead the way when it is dark.  

I believe in my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I believe He was born to this Earth all those those years ago in such humble of circumstances.  I believe He lead a perfect life and died for me.  I believe in the Wise men who had such great faith to follow that star to bring gifts to their King.  I believe in the Shepherds who listened to the angel and seeked after their Savior.  

I believe that it is possible to find a balance this time of year.  (I also believe I will probably die before I completely accomplish it.)  I believe that it is possible to have our Savior be the focus of our lives this time of year even if we are out seeing lights or watching a show about a Reindeer with a red nose (we did a really fun Family Home Evening activity on this one).  

(I also believe in letting others believe as they wish, and pray that they do the same!)  

Always running behind...

A few weeks ago I participated in an all women sprint triathlon.  This was my second year participating in this particulagr race.  I really, really enjoy being a part of this event.  I love the feeling that comes with accomplishing something surrounded by a group of amazing women who have all gone through similar, yet amazingly different struggles, yet have come out on top.

(Pre race)

I finished in just about the same time as I did last year.  I was a little bummed about that, but still felt ok about it all.

(Finish Line)

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) KC got there just after I had crossed the line so I didn't get any pictures of me during the race. 

I had a few thoughts that circled in my mind throughout the race.

*In the 5 1/2 years KC and I have been married I have been pregnant or with a new born baby for basically 3 of those years.  I have been able to do this race 2 times.  I feel a good sense of accomplishment for that.

*I can't wait to see my cute husband and kids at the end of this race.  During a race you pass so many amazing family and friends who are there cheering on their loved ones, but also cheer for you.  That always makes me a little nostalgic and so excited to see them.

*Towards the end I began to think about how one of the only things that kept me running was the fact that I had to use the bathroom SO BAD that I knew I had to keep running cause if I didn't get to the finish line quick I was going to have an accident.

*Another one of the participants was wearing a shirt that said:

2 Slow

2 Win

2 Dumb

2 Care

This made me laugh.  It made me think of the high school.

I was on the track team in high school.  For those of you who met me post high school this is probably pretty funny to you.  Actually those of you who knew me in high school also probably found this pretty funny!  I was/am NOT a good runner.

I got into track because of soccer. I moved the beginning of my sophmore year.  Knowing that we were moving and that I wanted to try out for the soccer team at my new school I started doing conditioning with my new school.  (GO WILDCATS!)  The soccer team at that time was doing conditioning with the track team over the summer so I began running with them.  Once school started I signed up for soccer conditioning, which just so happened to be combined with track conditioning.

I wasn't going to do track.  I am really bad at running.  Like, I'm not fast and I can't run long distances well.  Yet when the spring came a combination of a crush, the most amazing coach ever, and an amazing group of people won me over and I signed up to run track.

I have some amazing memories of that first year of track.  

*As I said I am not fast so I ran a lot of different races in order to find the one I could run the best.  

*The first time I tried to run the mile I wet my pants.  That's right, I literally wet my pants, well shorts.  I finished the race and hid under the bleachers until my mom came and found me and brought me new ones.  I was mortified.  

*I also tried pole vaulting that year.  I didn't do well, but I loved trying.   Plus that is where I started dating someone who is still a dear friend and one of the sweetest people I know.  

*Our long runs may have taken us past a delicious bakery.  I may or may not have slipped into the bakery on an occasion or two, gotten myself a cookie, and waited til I saw some of the last runners come by and then headed back.  Opps!

*I met some of the sweetest friends.  We made up weird nick names and grew really close.

I seriously loved track!  I really didn't like running, yet I seriously LOVED track!

I have been trying to run more as of late.  In part because I love eating.  Like I literally am in love with eating.  Unfortunately my metabolism doesn't love my eating as much as it used to.  In fact, this is something I wonder about daily: should I have taught myself to not eat so much and to eat better earlier in life, or should I more fully taken advantage of that great metabolism I used to have and eaten non-stop?  

 I digress.  

So anyway, I love to eat so in turn I decided I really need to work off a bit of that food, so I have started to run more.  Also, rumor has it it's good for you.

I think often of my track time during that.  I will always be 2 slow 2 win.  Yet that's ok.  I have started to enjoy my run.  Do I love to run.  Oh heavens no.  I do however love how I feel when I am done.  I love that I get that time to myself to think and to better myself and my health.  I am nicer to my husband and kids, I am better to myself.  I enjoy that feeling. 

Each day on my run I think about my old track coach.  My fastest mile in high school was around 6 1/2 minutes.  That is by no means going to win you a race in high school track.  Yet when I finished that race my coach greeted me with the biggest smile and gave me such a giant congrats.  I felt like I had won that day.  She made me feel like that often.  I still feel inspired by her 10 years later.

So though I will never be the fastest runner, or a runner of the longest distance, or the most graceful runner (do I do anything graceful?) I will continue to run.  I look forward to those times with my head phones in listening to everything from Nelly to Whitney Houston.  Nothing is better than good music, good thoughts, and a good workout.  

And nothing is better than ending your workout each day with a little Hansen.  Cause let's be honest, even if it was an awful workout before hand, if it is ended with a little Mmm Bop it's a great run!!

I need to get back to Tempe

My dear friends Nate and Julie had a baby months ago! They live in Arizona. I had planned to go down for the baby blessing, but do to a change in our family vacation I was not able to go. I was SO excited to plan this trip with some of my closest friends from college.

We left Thursday early evening and drove to Vegas where we spent the night and left early the next morning for Phoenix. It was so fun to see Nate, Julie and sweet baby Cal! Friday was spent catching up and playing some Xbox kinect. Nate and Julie also treated us to a great BBQ. It was amazing to sleep the entire night! I had no kids of my own with me and I didn't hear Cal at all! What a good baby he is!

Saturday we spent the morning eating Julie's AMAZING breakfast and hanging out before heading out for some shopping, dinner and stopping at the ever amazing Tempe Town Lake.

Michael and Al at dinner.

Al and Ash at Tempe Town Lake. The first place we went was so NOT impressive. When we went to the other side it was much more attractive. Too bad it was SO COLD!!

Isn't he the sweetest!?! Ash with Cal right before he had a BLOWOUT!! Way to welcome Ashley to parenthood Cal!

Sunday we went to church (experienced one of the weirdest sacrament meeting talk moments also) and then headed back to Nate and Julies to pack and bid them farewell.

From there we took off and headed to the Grand Canyon where we camped for the night. BRRRRR!!!!

Sunday was Michaels birthday also. We stopped on our way to the Grand Canyon and ate at Salsa Brava on Route 66. Pretty good food!

For some reason I just imagined the Grand Canyon to be very warm. This was NOT the case! There was snow on the ground where we camped. I perhaps slept about 3 hours that night. It was so freezing and my back was not agreeing with a thin camping pad.

The Grand Canyon sure was GRAND.

The watch tower.

It's amazing to think that tiny river was the cause of all of this!

Sweet Al, my date for the trip!

This trip was SO needed for me. I adored being Becky for a weekend! I read like I haven't read in years. I relaxed and didn't worry about anything. It was so much fun to laugh and talk about lots of great college memories. I loved listening to the Format in the car and feeling like we were back in time 7 years.

I feel so grateful to have the friends I do. They make me laugh. We are all very different people, yet it just works. They accept me for who I am. I am so grateful for the people they married and how well they fit into everything.

Thank you Nate and Julie for housing us and letting us take up one of your weekends. Thank you for letting me hold your sweet little guy! Thank you for being you and for being so sweet (Julie) and for being so Nate (Nate).

And it was so exciting to come back to these sweet faces! I sure do LOVE these kids! They make me SO happy!!

I am so lucky to have the family I do. My parents, KC's mom, and my sister all helped out and watched my kids!

Thanks so much to the sweetest, SWEETEST husband EVER! He stepped it up and went above and beyond to make this trip possible for me. I sure do LOVE that man!!!

LOVE is all you need...

... though a little sleep once in a while doesn't hurt either!

Exhaustion!

Sickness has been abundant in the Madill household the past several weeks. We have each been taking turns passing it around and around. I was beyond excited for a weekend of getting a little sleep to catch up for my lack of sleep due to helping the babes during the nights of throwing up or crying from upset tummy's. However reality is much different from the fantasy's I often dream of and the hubby caught the sickness this weekend. While he spent the weekend sleeping off his illness I spent it getting less sleep than even before.

Have you ever experienced that exhaustion where you can literally feel your body shutting down from the inside out? Even eating was hard due to the fact that my body didn't seem to want to use any energy it didn't absolutely have to.

Tired is not my best personality. Coupled with hunger it's even worse! I have been short of temper and quick to snap at my children. Poor kids of mine!

I read an article this week in short explaining the less than glorifying parts of motherhood. Someday's I focus more than I should on those difficult parts. I get frustrated with my lack of sleep. I long for a trip to the bathroom without a kid breaking in or at least trying to break in. Some days I would possibly do most anything to get a whole nights sleep uninterrupted. I miss those days when I got to eat my food when it was still hot, when I could just 'run' into a store to grab some milk, when 'get your finger out of your nose' was not a part of my daily vocabulary.

In short, I get selfish.

While I can get snippy and grumpy on those days of sheer selfishness I still do my best to try to follow the rule of saying at least 10 positive things for every 1 negative thing I say to those kids of mine. I want my kids to know that I think highly of them, that I love them. Trying to keep to the 10 to 1 rule is one of the ways I try to help them know of that love. I believe that when you are doing everything else wrong, if you love your kids, that's really the most important thing. I believe at the end of the day if I have done nothing else but make those kids feel of my love, it's been an ok day.

So though I am exhausted and grumpy I am going to go kiss my kids goodnight, tell them I love them, and tuck them into bed.

(And in 4 hours when they wake up screaming and yelling or wandering into my bedroom I will do my best to say nothing... cause in the middle of the night, saying nothing is just about as positive as I get!)

The Village

Grasping for my phone on my night stand I feel slightly frustrated when I read the 4:42 am that staring back at me. I knew I shouldn’t have had that last glass of water before bed. As I crawl back into my warm bed after my trip down the hall to the bathroom my mind wanders to how excited I am to be moving to a place where I will have a bathroom attached to my room. It’s all over from there. You know those people who are addicted to running; who love it, even crave it? Everyone knows one. You know… the kind of person who takes a step out the door and yearns to be running. This is my mind. Once it’s has its first thought, or had its first step, it has to run.

Moving is always an interesting thing for me. I spend a lot of time pondering any number of things: How I should set up my new place, what will the people be like in my new neighborhood, what color should I paint the walls, what will it be like not being able to just run my air and heat to my desired temperature since I will actually have to pay for it. Most of my time is spent pondering people however. I think of all the people who had an impact on me while living here.

Nearly 4 years ago I moved into what is known around these parts as The Village. I had heard a handful of things about it before moving here, mostly positive. Everyone I knew who had lived here had enjoyed their time. I was still skeptical. Now 4 of some of the most trying years later, I feel like I have had an overall positive experience at the village as well.

During my time here I lived the life of a married single mom. KC had work all day Monday-Friday and was gone Monday-Thursday following work to school until around 10pm. For 1 year of that I worked taking care of another little girl. Following that year I began working nights at the hospital 3 nights a week. After just about 2 years I was able to get down to 1 night a week. In addition to KC’s work and school he was called to a leadership position in our church which required him to attend weekly meetings as well as be gone a good handful of Sunday. I had 3 children by the end of this… the oldest of whom was not even 3 years old when the baby was born. I have had a very tiring bunch of years here.

Being so close to neighbors who are constantly moving in and out you get to know a lot of people. Not all relationships have been incredible, though I am sure you experience that everywhere. I have had countless days of loneliness, feeling left out of forgotten. We have a family who has lived by us who we are fairly certain has invited everyone around us to eat with them, yet we have never received an invite. While certainly not offended, it takes a lot to offend me, I still can’t help but wonder why. That’s a hardship of living so close to everyone, you get to see what everyone is doing and I think even the best of the women here feel left out or lonely from time to time.

Despite these feelings, living in the tight knit community that I have spent the last 4 years in, I am amazed at all the positive I have learned and taken away from the people I have come into contact with. Many of whom I may not have known very well. That’s one thing about living here, new people are constantly coming and going. You have so many people who touch your lives during such a short amount of time.

As I ponder on these relationships and think of all the people who have blessed my life here I can’t help but wonder what sort of a memory I will be leaving. I often contemplate what it would be like to have a Tom Sawyer experience and attend your own funeral. What would people say about you? I have wondered this a lot as I have been thinking about leaving my home for the past 4 years. When people think back on living next to me will the memory associated be a positive or a negative one? Or will it even be one that they remember? Will I just be the one who lived in so and so’s apartment before them? I am sure to some I will.

It’s a weird feeling to be leaving the life you know to go to something uncertain. I love and hate it. I am so excited to embark on my new journey. I feel the older I get the more I am ok with just being a bit of a hermit, which makes moving and being pushed out of that comfort zone a little more difficult. Yet it is so exciting too. It is always fun to start off with a completely clean slate.

As I prepare to begin my new journey I am sure will spend countless hours pondering over the house, new friends, and new adventures, that’s just who I am. I hope however I can take the things I have learned from those friendships and adventures I have had here and learn from them and be a better person. I hope that in my ramblings years down the road when I am preparing for the next adventure I can do so as a better person, leaving only happy (or at least mainly happy) memories with those people I am leaving.

Student Living

Over 3 years ago I moved into the apartments I live in now. While living here we have moved apartments once. My first apartment had an easy bake oven to cook with and my kitchen was in my front room. Both apartments have cinder block walls, practically cement for flooring, very little storage, and lets just say they leave little to the imagination in the way of what your neighbors are up to.

Packed into these apartments are many, many families who have one or more members as students at the University. We are all VERY close to each other and know way more about each others business than probably anyone should. During the 3+ years I have lived here this has been cause for some serious fights and drama.

Rarely do I see my husband more than an hour or two during the wake hours. Me working nights and him working full time and going to school full time can do that (though me quitting my job and him being in the PMBA program-a program where they meet only 2 nights a week- I am going to be seeing more of him).

Yet, I seem to still love this place (most of the time).

My apartment has less room, which means less things. It has taught me to not keep everything. Not to mention my kids have a playground full of friends right outside our front door.

We are blessed to live by many people who come from other countries which has been a fun experience for us to get to know more about those countries and to have my children grow up around many different people from many different cultures.

I have met some of the most inspiring women. If you don't mind I would like to share a few thoughts about a few of those women.

One of my dearest friends right now was my neighbor. She has since moved. While living here she experienced some things that one can only dream of, and they are not the happy kind of dreams, including the loss of a baby at only 5 weeks. The way that her and her family dealt with that loss was an amazing testimony builder to me of eternal life. They have such strength and bonded together as a couple and family in a way I find so uplifting and inspiring. She has become a confidant, support, second mother to my children, and friend. I feel so blessed to know her.

Another friend is still a neighbor now. When I first met her I knew there is no way we would be friends! In my eyes at the time we could not be more different. She believes in natural home births... I want the epidural the minute I walk in the hospital. She is into natural foods.... some days me and my children eat cheetos and oreos for breakfast. Yet some how over the past few years I have gotten to know this woman and have developed such a deep respect and love for her. I use cloth diapers now (not all the time, but some of it) which I never dreamed I would do because of the excitement she had while talking with me of it. I have learned things about the gospel of Jesus Christ and how I tie into it through her that I never would have figured out on my own. She has taught me so much about looking at things and truly getting all that I can out of them. She has blessed my life more than I think she has any idea.

Recently I was pared up to go visiting teaching with a neighbor who I had known for a while and always really respected. You know how sometimes you think someone is amazing and could do no wrong until you get to know them. This woman is the opposite! You think she is amazing and then you get to know her and you realize she is even more amazing than you first had imagined! She is constantly cooking meals for others, volunteering to help with others children, or just going out of her way to help other women. She is so smart! I know she is not perfect... but she is pretty darn close!

You know that friend you can just say anything to and you know it's safe. I have one of those here. I could cry to her, whine to her, laugh with her, vent to her... and I know that no matter what we are going to end up ok and still be good friends. I love her for that!

I wish I could tell stories of all the amazing women in my life here. The ones who encouraged me as we did a triathlon together, who have taken my kids to their houses to play when they knew(or didn't know) that I needed a break, the ones who are new to my life and feel like kindred spirits (thanks Anne of Green Gables!), the friends who helped me through my baby blues, who held my kids during church when I was out of hands, the ones who have come to girls nights and made me laugh til my sides hurt! I am so blessed to know the women I do.

And my cute husband who works so hard to provide and go to school. Living here has been such a blessing to us when he is gone so much. He has been able to meet some pretty amazing people who have helped him in decision making when it comes to schools and jobs. And I have been blessed by the friends and neighbors I have in being taken care of while he is not around. I know there is always someone to help and that is a great blessing.

Before moving here I had a neighbor in my moms ward tell her how she LOVED her time living where we live and how she misses it. I had a hard time believing her when we first arrived. Now I know it to be true. The people we know here are going places. They are going to bless the lives of so many people and I feel so lucky to be one of those people. I'm not going to lie... I look forward to one day owning a home of my own, but for now this is my little cinder block heaven on earth!

Today

It's 1pm.

My youngest is sitting on the floor eating a cracker. As I look over I can see bits of her mac and cheese baby food in her hair that I missed while cleaning her up. At least she is dressed right?

The oldest is sitting at the computer watching 'Fireman Sam' on Netflix and eating a fruit leather. He's still in his pjs!

My middle baby is in her bed napping..... in only her diaper!

I see all of this while lounging across my couch with the computer on my lap. On my left is a GINORMOUS pile of clothes! Scanning the room I notice piles of who knows what in just about every nook and cranny the room has. Perhaps I should get up and clean something. Perhaps...

I'm watching someone learn how to break dance on the tv... how old is too old to pick something like that up?

KC starts his new job on Friday! Consequently I turned in my two weeks notice. I am seriously thrilled!!!

I should really get some stuff done! Or maybe nap.... we'll see!